A colleague asked me what was wrong during hand off report. I told this colleague I was going through some shit and did not want to discuss it. She commented that I was not my usual self and wanted to help me. This woman does not want to help me she wants to hear my pain and then spread it around. I have been pretty cautious about telling colleagues, I cannot afford to look weak, the sharks will circle and my boss is not a nice person. The boss is not evil, just not very kind. A few other colleagues have taken to ask me how I am several times during a shift and I tell them everything is fine. Again they do not want to reach out, they just sense I am wavering. The people I supervise are very self involved and have not noticed the change in my demeanor. Who knew that mild narcism could be a protectant? I stumbled through work this week.
I informed the social worker I have been getting counseling from that I thought I needed some pharmaceutical help, and she agreed. Even though I live in a big city it is hugely underserved when it comes to mental health professionals. Ironically, I was able to get an appointment to see somebody with prescribing power quicker than she could with her connections. It made me angry to think of all the people without insurance who need help now who won't get it. I have to wait three weeks but it is three weeks shorter than many who will just slowly fade into themselves until they are barely aware.
The phone does not ring much. Several people know my situation and rarely check in to see how I am. I expected that. People talk shit about helping others but I have found many are relieved when I mutter "I am coping". Most of the people I thought were "friends" are busy spinning their own lives. They are busy. Everybody is busy. Was I busy at some moment when somebody needed me. Did I accept a hasty "things are fine" because I was afraid of getting trapped in another's sadness and despair? I am dragging myself out tonight to meet "C". I have known her for years, she is stoic and pragmatic, and has a high powered job. I am not going to cry on her shoulder but getting out might not hurt so badly. Another friend also named "C" has been the one who checks up on me most consistently. My other friend "M" told me quite kindly that I am not alone, but he is 1000 miles away. Yes. I am alone.
Working and going to school is a burden and a bit of a distraction. Right now I am maintaining my grades but it is requiring more effort to get assignments done now than three months ago when all of this happened. I do not feel like abandoning my studies yet. Right now I have the experience in my field but not the graduate degree and while the degree might not help it could distinguish me ever so slightly when I seek to re-locate and find new work.
I went to bed early last night, slipped into a dream that scared me because it involved being robbed in my home and woke up only to find out the power was off. It was storming and raining heavily and I thought well you would have to be pretty determined to want to break into a home now. Then both dogs whimpered and jumped into bed with me. They hate storms. The border collie was neglected before I got her and was left outside during a hurricane. She is compliant with humans but kills anything that accidentally wanders into the yard. I slept at least twelve hours and woke up sore.
If I do nothing else but force myself to exercise (I have not in weeks) I will call today a victory. I feel like a zombie but I do not feel like chewing on anybody's face. So, I am a zombie in training.
I assured my counsellor quite truthfully that I had no intention of harming myself or others, and I was not simply placating her. It would be nice not to feel like I am not trapped in a giant gel pack. I foolishly watched a sad you tube video about a homeless dog and cried hysterically. No sad puppy or baby stories for me. Good news. I have been completely turned off TV since this started. Why the hell does anybody have cable, I am going to get rid of it. I am on a budget now anyway. I did watch an old movie on Amazon on night, "Serpico". Too bad Al Pacino cannot act any more. Should somebody tell him?
My boss forced me to change my schedule this week. I was supposed to go to a conference and bailed, so I am working the schedule of the person who is taking my place in an unfamiliar area on an unfamiliar shift. That should be awesome. I asked for the week off instead and she acted like I declared some sort of Taliban allegiance. Ok. Bitch. I am working the shift. Do me a favor don't talk to me. And apparently the shower pan might need replacing, so we will see how much that costs. Why does shit break when you already feel broken?
I do better when I do not talk to "S", he wants to move on with his life and yet wants me to help him get the process going. I told him this is your idea find somebody and get back to me. He told me I am not the first person to suggest he is cold.
I talked to a colleague about the election. Normally, I do not discuss politics at work because I live in the Bible Belt and everybody thinks Obama is a socialist demon even though if socialist demons came and danced on them they wouldn't recognize it. I asked somebody to define socialism and she came up with "teaching evolution in the public schools" as an example. Because people have "other ideas". Yes. People have other ideas. My idea is that you might want your kid to learn something in basic science that might make them functionally able to critically think but let us not burden the kiddies. Anyway, the other colleague and I concluded that the very rich and the very poor would likely support Romney and wondered if there were really enough middle class people left to make an impact.
Maybe, I can exercise, do a bit of housework, and then drag myself out. My house right now reflects my state of mind, not shocking. If I can ever start a new life, home ownership looks less appealing. Maybe a small, small place with a yard for the dog? Our, or soon to be my place, is not even big by current standards and it is still too much for me. Anyway nobody owns a home until it is paid off, so this "homeowner" stuff is bullshit, they just call it that so people will feel less inclined to rent.
Right now I would like to rent somebody's life or coping skills, can you do that? Give me your soul for a few months so I can get my shit together and then it is all yours again?